Monday, December 7, 2015

12-07-15 Tears

I was tucking the kids into bed this evening when Big E notice my earrings. I don't wear earrings often and I guess this was the first time he really ever noticed them. He played with them for a moment and then asked how they were on my ears. I explained that they went through my ears. His eyes got big as he asked if there were holes in my ears and did it hurt. I told him that there were and that it did hurt when they first put them in, but they don't anymore. 

Suddenly E got this very sad look in his eyes and said, "Poor Mommy," and started stroking my ear. A moment later he turned his head away from me and started to cry. 

My sweet little boy was crying for me!!

I am often overwhelmed by the depth of his heart. I constantly have to remind myself that he doesn't see the world like his big sister and my parenting needs to reflect that. He is gentle. He is sweet. He is compassionate. 

I know he will face his share of difficulties in life, but I pray that nothing crushes his generous spirit and empathetic heart, but that he will carry those traits with him throughout his life.

12-07-15 This Date

December 7, 2009 is a date that is etched into my mind for it is the date in which I first learned I would become a mother.

I remember the excitement, and the panic that soon followed at the thought of having a child. How could we possibly be ready for this. Tim and I had been married for two years and our friends had started having kids. We had just had two nieces born and we were at that point in our marriage where people started asking if we were next.

I was still just a contract employee at my job and I wondered how having a baby would affect my situation. I wondered if I was cut out for motherhood. I didn't know much about being a mom, but what I did know is that your life was no longer your own. There would be another human being absolutely and completely dependent on you for their very survival. And that thought seemed immense!

As I settled into my pregnancy, I wondered if the nervousness would wear off. Morning sickness was a horrible beast. Soon my belly was growing and I was feeling kicks and movements. Ultrasounds were magical moments I wished I could do daily. I would laugh as my belly bounced with baby hiccups and I would tear up at the strong kicks into my ribs.

I remember standing in the baby aisle at the store trying to register for my baby shower and being completely overwhelmed at all my options, having no idea what I might need, and furiously texting and calling my sister in law to double check my choices.

As the warm months dragged on and I got more uncomfortable, the feelings of anxiety began to make way for feelings of anticipation and excitement. My due date came and went, and so did my fear. I just wanted it to be done.

And when she arrived, everything changed.  Those first few weeks were a blur of mind numbing exhaustion, colic, and recovery. And by the time December 7th rolled around again, I went by a new name... Mommy. 

Six years later, that name still sounds sweeter than I ever could have imagined.