Tuesday, September 29, 2015

09-29-15 Laws of Parenting

Below you will find a list of parenting laws I have observed to be true during my past five years of eating with savages. This list is by no means comprehensive, and will likely be built upon at a later date. 

1. No one will need a drink until you have a plate of hot food in front of you. 

2. No one will need to use the bathroom until you have a plate of hot food in front of you. 

3. No one will need their bottom wiped until there is a plate of hot food in front of you. 

4. You will never eat hot food again. 

5. If you allow your kids to eat in the car, you will find old food in crevices and corners you never knew existed. 

6. A twenty minute car ride is enough time for a three year old to ask approximately 75 questions. 

7. Your children will repeat you... At the most inappropriate moment. 

8. You will talk about bodily functions... All the time. 

9. You will say ridiculous sentences like, "Please don't lick the bottom of my foot."

10. You will make up answers after the 18th why?? *NOTE*  Make sure they sound legit, because if they don't your children will call you out on it. 

11. There is no torture like a quick trip to Ikea with small children. 

12. There will be meltdowns. A lot of them...They won't all be from the kids.

13. A child's pressing desire to eat something specific is directly proportionate to how much of said item you do not have in your pantry.

14. You will be expected to make lollipops appear out of thin air. No excuses allowed. 

15. Children's voices get exponentially louder when they notice you on the phone... Like "air raid" loud.